"What are you scared of ?"

"What are you scared of?"
While talking to some really old friend of mine, he seemed to have picked up on my gloom and had asked me about it. He then proceeded to ask me other weird questions. But this one question got me thinking a lot over. 
Well.. Here goes..

I'm scared of the fact that no one in the world is indispensable. 
Every person can be replaced, more often than not, by people better than them. I'm scared that it is true.

I'm scared that the world might implode some day.
The way the world might just... not exist some day.

I'm scared of how fragile butterflies are. 
I'm scared about how the butterflies keep reminding me of how fragile human hearts are.

I'm scared of saying 'I love you'. 
The way I stopped saying it to maybe more than just five people in life. 
I'm scared that some day I will be all alone.
I'm scared of the fact that one day, I might wake up from bed and not be satisfied with life.

I'm scared for all those people who harm themselves.
I'm scared that I might never be able to be the person I wanted to be.
I'm scared that the butterfly I hold will either fly away or die.
I'm too scared to touch one.

I'm scared that there will be a larger 'to read' pile of books in my life, than a 'favourites' pile.
I'm scared that if I am too picky, I'll be left with nothing.
The way beggars can't be choosers.
The very same way someone who loves you cannot say it to your face without a little caution.

I'm scared that people will break my trust. 
Trust crumbles the way trust does.
I'm scared that one day, everyone I know might no longer exist.

I'm scared that I won't be able to achieve what I set out to achieve. 
Scratch that. I'm terrified that I won't be able to achieve what I set out to achieve.

I'm scared that some day, I might not be able to make the ones I love, happy..


All that and more.. It is all about irrational fears and insecurities.

A/N:
This isn't a negative post. Keep the hate.

The Umbrella Story

The story of how I now ought to prefer colourful patterns as opposed to the repetitive black and whites that I used to... An indication of how I people (me) grow out of their comfort zones.. Maybe jump around a little, and finally trust people.

This one time, shopping for all the back-to-school supplies with my mother, we came across a small store. What attracted me to the store was the display of umbrellas. It was a store that sold only umbrellas and rain-coats. I convinced myself that I was in desperate need of an umbrella, since "Mom! All my friends now have umbrellas. No one really wears rain coats anymore!" Yeah, mom. Like you didn't see through THAT.
So, the store..
It had these wonderful glass displays full of umbrellas and they were all black, grey or white, all with different patterns. I entered the store with my mother. I started looking for an umbrella that I would like. The shopkeeper, trying to be helpful, fished out all the colourful ones he had. Zazzy colours. Stripes, flames, polka dots.. you name it. He was a little disappointed to see that I didn't like them one bit.
I asked him to show me the black and grey ones. He looked a little puzzled and said "Beta, those are for all the boring people.. All the kids use these colourful ones! Why don't you choose something from these, here?" but I insisted.
He finally showed me some of the black and grey ones. I found one that I really liked. It was black.. and had grey checks. Uncommon. Things that don't stand out in a crowd. Good enough to blend in, unless someone looked closely. I ended up buying that one.

After I went home, I enthusiastically showed it to my grandfather. He asked me why I liked it so much. I didn't really have an answer at that time. I just said I liked it.
After two days of thinking about grandfather's question, I framed an acceptable response. Well, acceptable  by babyish standards, of course. I was much younger, then, you see.

I told him what the shopkeeper had said as well, right after my 'answer'.
My answer (I don't remember much.. or I'd rather pretend that I do not remember..) consisted something along the lines of  "Tata, I don't want to stand out in a crowd. It is scary. People will look at you and point you out. All your flaws.. wide open... for the whole wide world to see..! How can anyone want that? By buying an inconspicuous, yet pretty umbrella, I'm just trying to make sure that people who see me for me will be able to find my faults. That way, people I give permission to, are the only ones who can break my walls.."

He asked me if I could keep a secret, then.. to which I said yes, of course. Being a quiet and calm person, it kinda came naturally to me. 

He then sat me down after dinner, and told me things that I will never forget. He told me about how I must not let what people think of me define me.. of how people always judge a book by its cover and how people notice colour. He told me that colour and pattern were things people are attracted to and that even when faults were found, they would overlook them. I didn't believe it, then.. I somehow do not believe it now, either. People are mean. They do not overlook faults. They cannot accept things that are beyond them. They just..Believe. Naive as it may be, the word believe does, in fact have the word 'lie' in it.. (Looks like a thought for another day, though..)
By using a colourful exterior, you can try covering an ugly interior.. But then, it works the other way round, too, doesn't it? Cliché. The colourful, beautiful interior, covered by the dull greys.. More than enough movies on that concept.
Then what about the beautiful interior.. The one shuttered by multiple layers of black? What can be done to the walls that have been re-erected after a betrayal, or two.. or a hundred? The walls that might never crumble again? 

See? People don't notice. They just go about their business and leave the rest. And that is a good thing. The last thing someone shuttered needs, is people prying.

There are more things my grandfather told me that day.. about how not all people are like that.. etc. etc. Maybe. Maybe not. It ain't my life's mission to find out the truth behind those words. I hope they are true.. and that there are people out there who care. But that doesn't make much difference anyway.

Well.. after that little talk, I never told of that piece of advice to anyone. He also told me to use the black-grey umbrella until I was comfortable with using a colourful one. 

I use the black-grey one till this day.

Maybe some day, I will visit that shop once again and ask the shopkeeper to give me the most colourful, flashy, pretty umbrella he has and start using it. Maybe then, I will be able to throw away the black-grey one.. The one, owing to whose small size, travels with me in my bag almost always, during the rains. The one that shields me from people.. the one that shields me from.. Me.

Well, then... That's the story. Off to bed, kids.

P.S. Apologies to the black-grey umbrella. I love you. And you are absolutely BEA-utiful.

Distance, My Dear, has got Nothing to do with Proximity

It doesn't really matter, how far you are, from each other, for Time, is the longest distance between two.

And, Love.

So, one day, i was having this conversation with someone.. and the topic (God knows how) got diverted to love. That's what I said.. That's what I think..

"And, love. I don't believe in it much, myself.. but one can never be sure. I think its all about trust. Belief - the very basic form of it. Its like, giving the person or thing all the power to destroy everything that's dear to you, but believing strongly that they wont.. and then, again, it doesn't exist, because, you see.. trust is...immaterial. It isn't a foundation. It's more like the icing on a cake, whose foundation would be your will. Your will to take responsibility of that particular person or thing.. "

(:

Update: There's kind of a follow up post to this. Check it out, if you'd like!
And, Love. (Not a reprise)

A FOOTMARK (and the wave)

Of everything i do.. the Credit Never comes,
Of everything i do... i satisfy myself by saying.. i did it for myself...

BUT :

Of everything i do.....NOW I SHALL TAKE CREDIT      :)


No longer will i be the girl you thought i was...


like the wave, you wiped away everything i stood for... that's cause i tried to imprint a footmark on fragile sand....now , i shall build..
build a palace...so strong,so indestructible..... no wave can ever demolish.. :)

You And Me

I Remember Myself as an "US" 

Wispy clouds, A Bright Moon, 

Yet Dull, Beside You I Stood,

Speechless, Bound by Your Hand.......

Wispy Clouds, A Bright Moon,

Yet Dull, Beside You I Stood,

Mesmerised into Silence............

Wispy Clouds, A Bright Moon,

Yet Dull, Beside You I Stood,

Happy And Content, Holding Your Hand..................

Wispy Clouds, A Bright Moon,

Yet Dull, Beside You I Stood,

A Silent Promise Kept........

"I'll Stay By You ....FOREVER" 

HEART WINS... (yet again)

                                                                                                    

Ego-     " WHY ARE YOU SAYING SORRY??" 

Mind-    " IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!!! " 

Heart-   " i don't want to lose you to someone less special!" 

Mind-    " why do you think i'm here for?" 

Ego-     * faded away *

Heart-   "i don't know,but definitely not to involve in decisions regarding people!" 

Mind-    " heart....!!...WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PEOPLE??...HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU MAKE A 

            FOOL OF YOURSELF?" 

Heart-   "as many times as is required by the person....." 

Mind-    *sigh*

Heart-   "love" 

THE ME : The Heart Wins...Yet Again..!! :) and so does Love! :D

A RED BALLET SHOE

Alongside the fire......
A dance in a ballet shoe,

A book on a cold window sill,
Untouched, Unread...

A still sheet of Music,
Ruffled by my breath...

A piano, Dusty and Old,
Unplayed from years Unknown....

A Creaky, Old, Wooden Floorboard,
Bringing back memories of Shiny, Black Polished Shoes....

A Yellowing, Ancient Tablecloth, Lacey, and perfect,
Convincing me of Fairy tales and Princesses.....

A Wind chime sounding in the Room,
Now, I can Hear Your Flute......

A Rusty Old Lock,
That was Never meant to be opened....

A Clock still Ticking,
Thinking " How Long it has been"......

A Little Shiver Down My spine,
Reminding Me of the Past.....

A Rustle of the Curtain,
And your Sweeping Gown.....

A Musty, Old Bookshelf,
Oh.. the Books You've Read......

A Tingle Down My spine,
Reminding Me; You're Gone......

Alongside The Fire....I still Remember,
A Dance In a Red Ballet Shoe.........

एक बार :D

एक बार जो था ,
अब नहीं है।
जो न था , अब है ,
अब मै उन्हें नहीं चाहती।

एक बार , जो मै चाहती थी ,
वह नहीं थी ,
अब वह मेरे पास है।
लेकिन मै पुराने दिन ही चाहती हूँ।

एक बार , जो भी मै चाहती थी ,
वह नहीं थी,
और अब , जो मै न चाहूँ ,
वे भी मेरे पास है।

एक बार, मै वोह सब चाहती थी ,
जो आज मेरे पास है,
पर अब मै वह चाहती हूँ ,
जो तब थे , अब नहीं।

दिल में वे सब बस गए,
जो थे , अब नहीं,
अब तो मै उन्हें ही चाहती हूँ ,
जो तब थे , अब नहीं!!

मेरे दिल से पूछने पर ,
जवाब मिला,
चिंतित हुई मैं......
उसने कहा......
जो सब थे , उनकी इच्छा है मुझे
जो अब नहीं है , वोह चाहिए मुझे
जो अब है , वोह भी मुझे चाहिए!

समय के साथ बदलती गयी मै।
सरलता न बच पाया।

आज मै ने अपने आप को
आईने मै देखि तो,
अपने आप को पहेचान न पायी.....
न ही आइना मुझे पहेचान पाया था!!!!

एक दिन , आशा है,
मै अपने आप को देख लू ,
जैसे मैं थी - अब न हूँ!!!!!

एक दिन,
आशा हैं ,
मैं अपने आप को पहेचान पाऊँ!!


-अदिति शर्मा कुची

WATER........

Ever since my childhood, i Loved Water... it somehow inspires me.
the way it shapes itself into any vessel..... it shows me how to adjust into any surroundings!
I used to have an aquarium... i loved it. It was my favourite passtime to gaze at the eight goldfishes and one black molly.... but what was surprising was that, Now when i recall those memories, that have pressed themselves like photographs in my memory; i remember that i was not really looking at the fishes... yeah they were graceful and all...
like God had made them to be, but i was looking at the water....the way the fishes CUT the water,to make way for themselves... the way the Water never got HURT, the way it willingly moved aside...
it did not allow itself to be hurt by anything. It just flowed....kept on flowing...
NO i would not say in a careless or carefree way... it did take care ... but took care of itself, in a way that it was not obvious.



I went to this lake.. once a long time ago, with my aunt uncle and two sisters.
it is called "Rammappa Kaluva" or something like that..yeah below is a photograph of it...(taken through the camera of my cellphone..hence, not so clear)



in this lake.. my sister, being naughty as always.. tried to throw a pebble into the calm depths of the peaceful lake,of course it would cause ripples...
i was , dont ask me why.. , kind of disgruntled.
Why should the girl throw a pebble? why ??!!!
oh why on earth would she want to disturb a peaceful soul?! far actually, that was what had passed in my mind. but it would look really foolish to stop the girl from having her fun!
she kept on throwing the stones...somehow she ENJOYED wreaking havoc in the peace of the waters!!
well... she is a kid, having her share of fun! :D i would not stop her!





Well... but at that moment, i understood, that how many ever fishes are under the water,it never shows...a FAINT ripple is caused..a FAINT one when a fish comes up and decides to peek its nose (if it has one)



Water has inspired me to be what i am... or what i HOPE i AM
and i also hopes it keeps inspiring me too :)