"What are you scared of ?"

"What are you scared of?"
While talking to some really old friend of mine, he seemed to have picked up on my gloom and had asked me about it. He then proceeded to ask me other weird questions. But this one question got me thinking a lot over. 
Well.. Here goes..

I'm scared of the fact that no one in the world is indispensable. 
Every person can be replaced, more often than not, by people better than them. I'm scared that it is true.

I'm scared that the world might implode some day.
The way the world might just... not exist some day.

I'm scared of how fragile butterflies are. 
I'm scared about how the butterflies keep reminding me of how fragile human hearts are.

I'm scared of saying 'I love you'. 
The way I stopped saying it to maybe more than just five people in life. 
I'm scared that some day I will be all alone.
I'm scared of the fact that one day, I might wake up from bed and not be satisfied with life.

I'm scared for all those people who harm themselves.
I'm scared that I might never be able to be the person I wanted to be.
I'm scared that the butterfly I hold will either fly away or die.
I'm too scared to touch one.

I'm scared that there will be a larger 'to read' pile of books in my life, than a 'favourites' pile.
I'm scared that if I am too picky, I'll be left with nothing.
The way beggars can't be choosers.
The very same way someone who loves you cannot say it to your face without a little caution.

I'm scared that people will break my trust. 
Trust crumbles the way trust does.
I'm scared that one day, everyone I know might no longer exist.

I'm scared that I won't be able to achieve what I set out to achieve. 
Scratch that. I'm terrified that I won't be able to achieve what I set out to achieve.

I'm scared that some day, I might not be able to make the ones I love, happy..


All that and more.. It is all about irrational fears and insecurities.

A/N:
This isn't a negative post. Keep the hate.

The Umbrella Story

The story of how I now ought to prefer colourful patterns as opposed to the repetitive black and whites that I used to... An indication of how I people (me) grow out of their comfort zones.. Maybe jump around a little, and finally trust people.

This one time, shopping for all the back-to-school supplies with my mother, we came across a small store. What attracted me to the store was the display of umbrellas. It was a store that sold only umbrellas and rain-coats. I convinced myself that I was in desperate need of an umbrella, since "Mom! All my friends now have umbrellas. No one really wears rain coats anymore!" Yeah, mom. Like you didn't see through THAT.
So, the store..
It had these wonderful glass displays full of umbrellas and they were all black, grey or white, all with different patterns. I entered the store with my mother. I started looking for an umbrella that I would like. The shopkeeper, trying to be helpful, fished out all the colourful ones he had. Zazzy colours. Stripes, flames, polka dots.. you name it. He was a little disappointed to see that I didn't like them one bit.
I asked him to show me the black and grey ones. He looked a little puzzled and said "Beta, those are for all the boring people.. All the kids use these colourful ones! Why don't you choose something from these, here?" but I insisted.
He finally showed me some of the black and grey ones. I found one that I really liked. It was black.. and had grey checks. Uncommon. Things that don't stand out in a crowd. Good enough to blend in, unless someone looked closely. I ended up buying that one.

After I went home, I enthusiastically showed it to my grandfather. He asked me why I liked it so much. I didn't really have an answer at that time. I just said I liked it.
After two days of thinking about grandfather's question, I framed an acceptable response. Well, acceptable  by babyish standards, of course. I was much younger, then, you see.

I told him what the shopkeeper had said as well, right after my 'answer'.
My answer (I don't remember much.. or I'd rather pretend that I do not remember..) consisted something along the lines of  "Tata, I don't want to stand out in a crowd. It is scary. People will look at you and point you out. All your flaws.. wide open... for the whole wide world to see..! How can anyone want that? By buying an inconspicuous, yet pretty umbrella, I'm just trying to make sure that people who see me for me will be able to find my faults. That way, people I give permission to, are the only ones who can break my walls.."

He asked me if I could keep a secret, then.. to which I said yes, of course. Being a quiet and calm person, it kinda came naturally to me. 

He then sat me down after dinner, and told me things that I will never forget. He told me about how I must not let what people think of me define me.. of how people always judge a book by its cover and how people notice colour. He told me that colour and pattern were things people are attracted to and that even when faults were found, they would overlook them. I didn't believe it, then.. I somehow do not believe it now, either. People are mean. They do not overlook faults. They cannot accept things that are beyond them. They just..Believe. Naive as it may be, the word believe does, in fact have the word 'lie' in it.. (Looks like a thought for another day, though..)
By using a colourful exterior, you can try covering an ugly interior.. But then, it works the other way round, too, doesn't it? Cliché. The colourful, beautiful interior, covered by the dull greys.. More than enough movies on that concept.
Then what about the beautiful interior.. The one shuttered by multiple layers of black? What can be done to the walls that have been re-erected after a betrayal, or two.. or a hundred? The walls that might never crumble again? 

See? People don't notice. They just go about their business and leave the rest. And that is a good thing. The last thing someone shuttered needs, is people prying.

There are more things my grandfather told me that day.. about how not all people are like that.. etc. etc. Maybe. Maybe not. It ain't my life's mission to find out the truth behind those words. I hope they are true.. and that there are people out there who care. But that doesn't make much difference anyway.

Well.. after that little talk, I never told of that piece of advice to anyone. He also told me to use the black-grey umbrella until I was comfortable with using a colourful one. 

I use the black-grey one till this day.

Maybe some day, I will visit that shop once again and ask the shopkeeper to give me the most colourful, flashy, pretty umbrella he has and start using it. Maybe then, I will be able to throw away the black-grey one.. The one, owing to whose small size, travels with me in my bag almost always, during the rains. The one that shields me from people.. the one that shields me from.. Me.

Well, then... That's the story. Off to bed, kids.

P.S. Apologies to the black-grey umbrella. I love you. And you are absolutely BEA-utiful.

Heat.

I believe that heat is the answer to almost all things in the world.
I will agree, though, that a burn can not be treated with fire, metaphorically speaking, of course. But isn't the cold just absence of heat? 

Men are fond of playing with fire, knowing it will burn them. Our world is divided into two kinds of people, in my view. Ones that jump into the fire without a care in the world – the ones who think they know what they will do, once out the fire, and Two, people who stand on the edge and peer down into the fire, thinking of ways to avoid it all together.

What I do, is think of ice and step in, knee deep into my personal fire.

There is almost nothing a warm hug can not cure. People can some times just break down during a hug. They might be the big, scary “I’m the tough one” outside, but when they’re truly alone, only a warm hug can do any thing worthwhile.
There is no such thing as fake warmth. Anger, lust, love; all of them can be faked – and easily enough, yes. But real, true warmth that comes from one’s heart can never be faked.
There are people who might think different. Heat can sometimes, they say worsen things. Ice cream melts in the heat. But you enjoy one only because of the heat.

Heat, is but a higher degree of warmth. While some might oppose everything I’ve said about warmth and heat, I still believe that heat is comforting and can almost always cure a broken heart…

A/N.:
Taking/took a break from the challenges. I just don't feel like typing them up.
I'll edit this one later. For sure. There's so much more I have to say, but my head isn't letting me form coherent sentences. Too tired. Later.

Day Four - The Writing Challenge

Prompt: Crumbs of love locked inside a gilded cage.

Note: Okay, so when I first read the title, i found it a little depressing.. so I decided to make it a kind of a suicide note with first person thoughts...especially guilt. I deliberately made it a little haphazard, cause when people are on the verge of ending their lives, they don't think coherently.. in order.
Also, it kind of starts with a sad note, goes all angry and accusing, then shifts to self pity, and then, goes back to sad and then, to the End.
I think that's how it feels like. I've tried imagining it in order, but it doesn't make sense.
P.S. Any resemblance to any person is unintentional. 

----    ----    ----    ----    ----

Sometimes, I feel like you want to get rid of me...see? You just don't show me.. you don't tell me everything that you once used to. It makes me feel so insecure, seeing you with her.
It IS her, isn't it? No matter how many ever times you deny, I know.. I just do. You tell me its your new job, the new city, the new everything that we need to adjust to, but really... I know better... Or do I?
I've seen you with her. I've seen it in your eyes..
I've noticed the way you now behave around me. Don't tell me I'm oversensitive and the likes of it.. cause honestly, I know exactly how perceptive I am. I notice everything. I usually just prefer to keep it to myself. In fact, seeing her just thrice, with you put things in brilliant perspective for me, thank you very much.
I'm just waiting for you to realize what you've gone and done... to realize that everything is over. 
Despite it all, I love you.

It's not just you, you know. I had found my happiness too. Yes. Away from you. You weren't what I wanted. You changed. Happiness away that's away. Far, far away from you.
He talks to me. He makes me feel so good...
I love you, but he's better for me. I don't like what I become around you... some kind of mad creature, trying to rein in her feelings. I do not love myself when I'm near you.
I love you, but it won't make me stay. I've had enough of you. And now that I've found what I want, to a degree, it's over.
----------

She had waved him out of their little condo, a mere half hour ago. She now sat on the edge of the thirty six floored building, thinking of ways to end everything.

A little less than half of that hour ago, everything was alright.. well, almost...
She was prepared to let go of the old him and move out, and into his place. He had called. He said he didn't want her anymore. He sent her plans... her make-believe world crashing down.

----------

I'm now standing at the edge. One step to end it all. End everything.
I'll be gone. Forever.
The easiest way to stop feeling... I'll finally be gone, just like you said last night. I know you didn't mean it, but it hurt. I listened to it all. Your rants and your I love yous. I can't return now. I'm beyond repair. I feel too guilty to come back to you.
You kept me well...Very well. You kept a bird locked in that beautiful, gilded cage. It was beautiful while it lasted. It is after all, the rule of nature to make us all seek greener pastures...
In my defense, I'm but human.

It isn't forgivable, and I'm not asking for any. It was my fault. Everything was. I know... This is why, I want to go away, where no one can ever find me again. I don't have to make decisions, don't have to think, not feel... not feel guilty, not feel anything... and don't have to go anywhere... just one step. Its all just a mere step away from me. All this is what I want.. What I need. It is something I can live with.
One step, and down I go..
One step, and I end. I cease to exist..
One step, and I'm sorry..

"Thank you, Thank you.. for Everything..."  She muttered to herself, hurtling down the glassy windows.

Author's note: (Just because I can..and making it another post is just too mainstream. :D )

The title. Crumbs of love locked in a gilded cage. So, what exactly makes me sad about it?Well, I think that, if you really love someone, you'll set them free...and if you really do deserve their love, they will love you back, no matter how far away you are, from each other.
I know that I love my grandfather. One day, we were talking.. (forgive my lack of coherent thought and probably grammar) .. like we did, always.. We went deep into philosophical thoughts and life after death. That was when He made me promise that I'd never cry if someone died. He made me promise not to cry when he died.. A few months later, he did..  
Well, He made me believe that the ones that truly love us, don't really leave. They're always there in our hearts. I like star-gazing. It reminds me of my grandfather. I know he watches down on me, everyday. (Another post on that, soon.)
I know some people.. People who lock up.. choke their loved ones, afraid that they'll "escape" .. Yes, I've actually heard that, right out of someone's mouth. I'd like to ask you one thing, Do you really not believe in yourself that much? Are you not confident enough in your ability to maintain a relationship? Mind you, I'm not talking mushy, meaningless, teenage "love".
Statements like that, actually confuse me and make me want to question their motives.. But being the sensitive a** that I am.. I just can't... So I keep them to myself, and usually include them in little "notes". Why, you ask? Because no one pays attention, then ;)
So, back to the prompt.. Don't lock up people you love. They'll just go away..sooner or later, that is bound to happen. Love them all you can, from a-far, like you would, a butterfly. Believe me, I tried trapping a butterfly once ( in grade 2) and it died. That made me feel so bad.. And that kind of stayed with me. Trust me, it applies to so many things.. you'd probably be too lazy to introspect, anyway.

The conclusion? I just have too much time to while away..  

- Sharma ( who needs to control her emotions, sincerely, a true Cancerian.)

And, Love.

So, one day, i was having this conversation with someone.. and the topic (God knows how) got diverted to love. That's what I said.. That's what I think..

"And, love. I don't believe in it much, myself.. but one can never be sure. I think its all about trust. Belief - the very basic form of it. Its like, giving the person or thing all the power to destroy everything that's dear to you, but believing strongly that they wont.. and then, again, it doesn't exist, because, you see.. trust is...immaterial. It isn't a foundation. It's more like the icing on a cake, whose foundation would be your will. Your will to take responsibility of that particular person or thing.. "

(:

Update: There's kind of a follow up post to this. Check it out, if you'd like!
And, Love. (Not a reprise)

I DREAM OF A WORLD...

I dream of a world,
Where I can stay idle ,
Resting in the arms of mother nature ,
Looking beyond the busy world,
Who refuse to open their eyes
And look at the beauty of nature.

I dream of a world,
Where everything I do,
Would be right and
There is no worry about
Them going wrong ‘coz there is nothing to go wrong!
Where I can enjoy to my heart’s content……

I dream of a world,
Where there is only happiness,
And no sadness,
No loss , only gain,
No thought , no pain…

I dream of a world,
Where I do not have to choose
A path for everything
Let there be no worry , no care,
Just a single thought,
‘everything will be alright’

I dream of a world,
Full of pleasant surprises,
Valleys full of flowers,
Allowing the sun to pour
The warmth on them
Where I can go on gazing and gazing….

I dream of a world,
Where time can be stopped ,
But I can still enjoy the clouds,
Rolling in the sky,
Lying down on a grassy slope,
No thoughts in my mind…..

I dream of a world,
Where I can sit on a rock,
And watch the waves,
Licking my toes , retreating,
And advancing again,
Just meant for gazing and gazing…..

I dream of a world,
Where there are no tensions,
No stress , no care.
A place where we could just
Forget everything and gaze
At the beauty of nature,
Resting in its very arms….

I dream of a world
Where we could just let go
Of everything ‘coz you have
A place where there is only gain,
A place you could forget everything,
And take pleasure without guilt…..

I dream of a world,
Which I pray must
Come true one day , where
You could just let go….
Forget everything
Keep on gazing and gazing …
Just keep on gazing and gazing ,
With no thoughts in the mind,
And gradually get sucked into nature’s eternity….

WATER........

Ever since my childhood, i Loved Water... it somehow inspires me.
the way it shapes itself into any vessel..... it shows me how to adjust into any surroundings!
I used to have an aquarium... i loved it. It was my favourite passtime to gaze at the eight goldfishes and one black molly.... but what was surprising was that, Now when i recall those memories, that have pressed themselves like photographs in my memory; i remember that i was not really looking at the fishes... yeah they were graceful and all...
like God had made them to be, but i was looking at the water....the way the fishes CUT the water,to make way for themselves... the way the Water never got HURT, the way it willingly moved aside...
it did not allow itself to be hurt by anything. It just flowed....kept on flowing...
NO i would not say in a careless or carefree way... it did take care ... but took care of itself, in a way that it was not obvious.



I went to this lake.. once a long time ago, with my aunt uncle and two sisters.
it is called "Rammappa Kaluva" or something like that..yeah below is a photograph of it...(taken through the camera of my cellphone..hence, not so clear)



in this lake.. my sister, being naughty as always.. tried to throw a pebble into the calm depths of the peaceful lake,of course it would cause ripples...
i was , dont ask me why.. , kind of disgruntled.
Why should the girl throw a pebble? why ??!!!
oh why on earth would she want to disturb a peaceful soul?! far actually, that was what had passed in my mind. but it would look really foolish to stop the girl from having her fun!
she kept on throwing the stones...somehow she ENJOYED wreaking havoc in the peace of the waters!!
well... she is a kid, having her share of fun! :D i would not stop her!





Well... but at that moment, i understood, that how many ever fishes are under the water,it never shows...a FAINT ripple is caused..a FAINT one when a fish comes up and decides to peek its nose (if it has one)



Water has inspired me to be what i am... or what i HOPE i AM
and i also hopes it keeps inspiring me too :)